Where did the artichoke buy a drink? The salad bar!

I like things made with artichoke (the hearts on a veggie pizza, dips for chips and crackers, etc.), but I really like to just eat them simply roasted as the main feature.
Probably the simplest complex veggie to cook. Here's how I do it and it's perfect every time;

First, you gotta pick out that one best gorgeous artichoke. The thicker the stem, the bigger the "heart" inside the base, just above the stem. Wash it. Admire the purple. :D

Next, you're gonna need a sharp knife. A VERY sharp knife. Because these little suckers are hard to cut.
You're going to cut off the stem, just below the base, and cut off the top third because that part is inedible anyway.

See those little spikey tips of the petals? They're not necessary and kind of bothersome...go ahead and snip them off if you like. I do.

Get out your tin foil and rip off two pieces to make a double thick foil wrap.
Mix a little garlic and a pinch of crushed basil in your favorite olive oil and drizzle that all over, making sure it gets down inside the petal layers.

Wrap that 'choke up fairly tight and pop it in an oven preheated to about 425°F.

Set your timer for an hour and fifteen minutes (add another 20 minutes or so if your veggie is ginormous, or shave off 15 or so if it's really small).

When it's done, and cool enough to handle... unwrap it and plate it. gently pull the petals open and salt/pepper it if you like. This time, I didn't. The garlic was enough.

The petals practically fall away. The edible part is the pearly light color near the base.
You want to put the petal in your mouth and sort of suck that part off...using your teeth to scrape it. Your teeth and tongue will tell your were the tender part is.

Discard the "husk" of the petal. You can't eat that.

You might think, "oh my, that's a lot of work for just the ends of the petals." Well, not really. And there's a zillion of them. But here's the payoff... now it's getting good...
See that round pod that's sort of acorn-y in appearance with the purple-ish/pink-ish curled petal tips on top? THIS is the goal at the finish line.

Use a fork or spoon and lift that "cap" off. you'll see something that resembles cornsilk underneath.

You're gonna remove that stringy looking "silk". It's really easy. Everything is super soft.

Once you have it off, you've just uncovered the Mecca of Artichoke. The Pièce de résistance. The Indian Red of the Crayola box. THIS part is what's in those expensive little jars at the store, marinating in who-knows-what (preservatives and all). THIS is the artichoke heart. Congratulations.
Scoop that up and bon appétit.

Blast from my sugared up past...

So I'm in the grocery store and I'm thinkin' I want to grab a bottle of water out of one of those little mini-fridge deals by the check out lane. Once I'm up there, one of those "Mt. Dew Throwback" bottles caught my eye. I heard about them a little while back, but never tried one. I decided to give it a shot since they were supposed to taste just like they did when I was a kid.
I also grabbed a snack bag of Hot Fries, thinking that if I was going to revisit my past, I better "go big, or go home!"
Once inside my van with the engine running, I popped open the bag and took a sniff. I've always loved those stupid things! Then I twisted off the cap of the pop bottle and took a sip. OMG. It really DID taste different! I'd go so far as to say "better"!
I'm sitting there being kind of nostalgic over a snack (hey, don't judge me) and I flipped on the radio...only to be met with Don Henley singing one of my favorite songs from that era - Dirty Laundry <--Click to hear it

I make my living off the evening news
Just give me something, something I can use
People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry

Well, I could've been an actor, but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear, give us dirty laundry

Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em all around

We got the bubbleheaded bleach-blonde, comes on at 5
She can tell you about the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It's interesting when people die, give us dirty laundry

Can we film the operation? Is the head dead yet?
You know the boys in the newsroom got a running bet
Get the widow on the set, we need dirty laundry

You don't really need to find out what's going on
You don't really want to know just how far it's gone
Just leave well enough alone, keep your dirty laundry

Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're stiff, kick 'em all around

Dirty little secrets, dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
Love to cut you down to size, we love dirty laundry

We can do the innuendo, we can dance and sing
When it's said and done, we haven't told you a thing
We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry

Chaos Christmas Morning

Presents were opened.
Chocolate from Christmas Stockings was consumed.
Christmas music streamed from the surround sound.
Wrapping paper all over the floor...cat going nutters from it.

The Mr. had purchased a bunch of "prize" gifts a couple years back for our family gathering where we play games for prizes. He forgot one that he purchased for the "kids pick" table. A Christmas video featuring the cartoon "Pink Panther".
He forgot it last year, too. So there it sat for a couple of years ...
THIS year he remembered to take it and was so glad he remembered to get rid of it so it would quit staring at him and taunting him with neeners.
When MiniMe won one of the games, she covertly picked that video off the prize table and hid it... guess what he got for Christmas this morning?! Bwuahahaha!

Off to the kitchen to make breakfast for the Chaos Clan...
MiniMe is not vegan, so she likes over-easy eggs for breakfast.
This is what was looking at me from the carton this morning...
Gotta love her sense of humor (and her artistic talent!)

Party Mix and Cheesecake

That is what my house smells like.

It's been a tradition for quite some years in the House of Chaos to make Chex party mix and Cheesecake. The Cheesecake is generally made on Christmas Eve (or the day before) and then eaten on Christmas day. Same goes for the party mix. There's always some for munching on for quite some time if we have the foresight to hide part of it from the MiniUnit. She LOVES that stuff. It's like crack to a junkie, I tell you.

Anyhow, over the last few years, the cheesecake has a twist...
I make one regular sized one and then several of those "mini" sized ones.
It's just fun.

Merry Christmas to you and yours from the Clan of Chaos. Hope Santa is good to you.

Tactical Chocolate

So I'm conversatin' with some peeps who don't own up to having a stash.
I'm thinking it's weird NOT to.
You don't just run out and buy chocolate AFTER you need it.
You should already have it. And it should be somewhere safe, protected, shielded from prying eyes and tempted fingers...
Like your underwear drawer.
Tactical chocolate, gum, etc., ...a variety of SHTF goods.
You never know when disaster will strike, so you should be ready.
I mean, God forbid, what if the last Snicker's truck gets hijacked and the factory burns down?!
Get a stash. Stash it.
Thank me later.

Seitan

One of my favorite things at my favorite restaurant is Seitan. I’ve tried about 5 or 6 different recipes to recreate it at home, to no avail. Recipes from the very difficult and involved, to ones that called for elusive ingredients. None turned out well. Not even close to “good”.
Today I ran across a really simple looking one and thought, “I have all that stuff, worst case scenario: I’ve wasted a little time.”
I’m glad I gave it a shot because it turned out really decent.

Here’s the entire ingredient list:
1 cup vital wheat gluten
1 cup flour
¼ teaspoon baking powder
Seasonings
8 cups broth
soy sauce

It didn’t call for garlic, but I like garlic… so I also used a few pinches of garlic granules.

First I brought a stock pot of the broth up to almost boiling and backed it down to a simmer. I shook in a few splashes of soy sauce and let it simmer while I did the rest.
(You could probably toss in some onions or whatever else you’d like to flavor it with at this point).
I mixed the wheat gluten with the flour and baking powder.
I shook in about a half tablespoon of the seasoning I like best and the garlic I decided to toss in. You may need more of whatever you use. The stuff I use packs a powerful punch.
I also shook in about a tablespoon of Old Bay seasoning, because I like that hint of “lobster broil” flavor.
I mixed that all up and used about a half cup of the broth to make the mixture ready to knead it. (Probably about 10 minutes of doing that.)
I flattened the mixture out on a cutting board and cut it into little square chunks. Each chunk got smashed flat (the thinner, the better) and dropped into the pot.

After simmering for about two hours the result was not too dissimilar from the Seitan at the Flat Top Grill. In looks, anyhow.

I decided to test a few chunks and see how the fam liked it.
I sliced them up and tossed them in a skillet.

The end result was very “pork chop” ish (probably from the seasoning I used, because it’s widely used as a sausage seasoning).
It got a thumbs up from the fam all the way around.


I think I’ll try the “freeze it/thaw it” trick with some of it to get more of a chewy texture on the inside. I'll probably be topping a salad with these and some grilled onions. Or maybe BBQ some strips or even fake a BLT-ish sammich with them.
There are a lot of possibilities and it made quite a bit. I've got two large rectangular Tupperware™ containers storing it - one completely full and the other half full.

Special thanks to reader Lancelot Link for helping me get the pics to post. I didn’t grab my camera, but I DID have my camera phone…so I snapped some pics and sent them in a text. LL graciously downloaded and emailed them back to me on my pc.
Niiice.

Queen of Carrot Cake

That would be my mom. My favorite cake is chocolate, but since there are so many birthdays in my family in the same month as mine, I was outnumbered for what kind of cake there would be to celebrate. I couldn’t argue, because it really *is* awesome.
After a little tweaking with some of the ingredients to suit the way we eat now, I’ve hit upon this amazingly similar cake with the perfect “cream cheese” frosting. I had the inclination to make it today so I thought I’d share.
Even though it’s not my birthday, it’s got to be someone’s… right?



350 F degree oven

2 ¼ c. flour
1 ½ teasp. Baking soda
2 teasp. Baking powder
2 teasp. Cinnamon
1 teasp. Ginger
1 teasp. Allspice
1 teasp. Nutmeg
1 teasp. Salt
1 ¼ c. sugar
equivalent of 3 eggs
1 teasp. Vanilla
¼ c. oil
1 c. applesauce
2 c. grated carrot
walnut pieces

Mix all the dry ingredients except sugar. Set aside.
Mix the sugar with the egg (or egg equivalent). Add the vanilla, and then the oil. Mix well.
Add the wet to the dry, and mix.
Add carrot and applesauce.
For cake: 40-45 min. in a sprayed pan (toothpick test center).
For cupcakes: 13-15 minutes in sprayed paper liners.

Faux Cream Cheese Frosting:
1 package Tofutti cream cheese
1/3 cup Earth Balance margarine
1 teasp. vanilla
2 cups powdered sugar.
Mix everything in a standing mixer or on “low” in a processor.
Garnish with walnut halves.